The Importance of Understanding and Acting Out Values
A Book Review for The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson
Starting at a young age we were often asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Our answers usually fell into one of two categories.
something generic that we’ve seen in person (teacher, doctor, vet) or
Something extraordinary that we’ve seen in the media (ball player, actress, astronaut, social media influencer).
If we chose the first one, we’d get a nod of approval. An understandable and admirable answer. If we chose the latter, we’d likely get a response that included a ‘but’ in it. “That’s great but what do you really see yourself doing?” “How neat! That’s a big aspiration but you know most people don’t get to do that.” If we didn’t answer with a career choice, we’d get a puzzled look or they’d ask the same question but slower.
We learned early on that if we wanted to get approval from others, we would have to have answers that fell within a specific scope our culture assigned as ‘good.’ “What college will you be attending?’ “When are you planning to have kids?” These questions unintentionally limited the scope of possibility for what decisions we made. They started at such a young age, it’s hard to ponder anything outside of the scope; we just assumed the scope was, in fact, real and choices needed to fall within it.
Sometimes we make decisions that are aligned to what we believe is expected of us instead of based on what we know is right for us as unique individuals. Sometimes the two overlap, but sometimes they don’t and we head down a path that is collectively acceptable but just feels wrong. Yet we do it anyways. We write it off. “It’s fine,” or “that’s life.” Our scope of vision as children was limited because we had limited experiences. As adults our experiences broaden, but how often do we reassess if our decisions or the stories we tell ourselves are right for us and are still serving us?
Are we doing damage to ourselves and those around us if we aren’t living an authentic life? What are we missing out on? What are we teaching the next generation? What chance of real happiness do we have if we don’t have an understanding of our values and don’t make the effort to live by them?
These are just some of my many thoughts while reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson. First published in 2016, I feel like I’m late to the party only having read it this year. But time has not seemed to diminish its potency or relevance. If you are looking for some answers to why you don’t feel fulfilled, why life feels harder than it needs to, or why you keep making decisions that don’t make you feel satisfied, I recommend giving it a read.
Here is my account of the main points that I walked away with.
The book begins by explaining why caring about less is important. Humans have access to more expendable income and a more expansive breadth and depth of information than ever before. We are inundated with an endless amount of things that digital media insists are important, landing us in a paradox of choice where nothing we choose feels like enough. Drafted for a culturally imposed race to cross the finish line first, yet destined to never actually arrive anywhere, we become victims of desire for comfort and greatness, losing our spiritual wealth in the descent.
These circumstances breed entitlement to feel accomplished even if we haven’t achieved anything. We buy into a dream, fully expecting to achieve it without ever planning to put in the work to get it. We think our burden is unique and heavier than most so we are owed something even though we haven’t earned it. We blame ourselves or blame others for our unhappiness in an endless cycle of want and disappointment that drags us away from knowing our own values and having any kind of sense of self-worth.
Mark Manson suggests that to find happiness, we must stop caring about all the things we come across day to day. Instead fine tune our values, and prioritize what we spend our time, money and effort on to align with these values. Essentially, say f*ck it to everything that doesn’t align with our top values. Choose what we want to struggle with and work to turn the problems we have into smaller, more desirable problems. We can do this by accepting life on life’s terms. Life is full of suffering. Happiness is not an achievable end point but a result of living a purposeful existence. Stop avoiding pain because it is inevitable and necessary for growth, and growth is necessary for purpose. Avoiding pain will only bring on more suffering.
“Real, serious, lifelong fulfillment and meaning have to be earned through the choosing and managing of our struggles…the solution lies in the acceptance and active engagement of that negative experience - not the avoidance of it, not the salvation from it. ”
Stop expecting motivation to do the next right thing to magically appear; instead act and the motivation and inspiration to do more will come. Understand that being exceptional is not normal and all the people that have become exceptional didn’t get there by caring about being that way; they got there by working hard to be better. People don’t often regret not becoming notorious, they typically regret spending time on things that didn’t align to their values.
The key to this subtle art, as outlined in this book, is to become aware of our blindspots, figure out why our blindspots occur, and lastly learn how we feel about them. Our values determine what problems we have in life so becoming incredibly familiar with these problems helps us understand our purpose that much better. Take responsibility for something even when it is not our fault and maintain healthy boundaries with others to surround ourselves with people who do the same. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable as uncertainty creates space for learning. Allow oneself to fail. Learn to say no and to be able to hear no. Last but not least, remember that you are eventually going to die so what harm is there to try.
Overall, this book felt infectious and inspiring. It helped me understand why people act the way they do resulting in an improved ability to empathize with those that are different from me. It helped me better understand myself and become more grounded in my own values so that I am less likely adopt others’ values or accidentally push mine on others. It confirmed to me that much of the work we need to do to be content is on the inside, and that achieving has nothing to do with how others view success or even what the outcomes of my actions are. Achieving to me now simply means being present, living authentically, and giving others the space to do so as well.
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